A Ton of Bricks
by trumpetchick9
Summary: Oneshot. Rory reflects on how she fell in love with Jess, and wonders if it's worth taking a chance on him again.


_Apparently authors are supposed to say they don't own the characters. Now I would guess that, since this is a fanfiction site, everyone knows that I don't own these characters. Otherwise, I would be turning them into my own book or show. Nevertheless, I don't know if it's neccessary or not, but, well, I don't own them. Just in case anyone asks ;)_

It took you a long time to say the words. You suffered through a difficult first breakup because you couldn't. But eventually, your best friend, your mother, convinced you that you could never experience love to the fullest extent if you could not say the words.

So you did. Dean made you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, so you assumed it was love. You told him, and you kissed him, and you were happy. You accepted that this was what love felt like. Sweet, like the pie you ate all the time. Warm, like a summer afternoon. Giddy, like school was cancelled for snow and you could spend the whole day watching movies with your mom. Love reminded you of all the things you liked best in the world. And kissing Dean – it was gentle. It made your stomach flutter. So you said the words. You told him that you loved him.

And then another guy walked into your life unexpectedly. Quite literally; he stepped into your room. Your mom and Sookie were hosting a nice dinner, to welcome him to town. It wasn't that Jess was entirely unexpected; you had known he was coming to town. What surprised you was how intrigued you were by this delinquent who was standing before you. He was _incredibly_ cute. But he didn't fit. He looked like he should be riding a motorcycle down the road; his wild hair and black attire clashed so obviously with your sweet pastel bedroom décor.

He asked you to go out the window with him, like it would be the most natural thing in the world, and he actually seemed surprised when you didn't want to go. Did he really think you looked like a girl who often leapt out of windows? True, you do have the eyes of her mother, a veteran window-escaper, but still. You couldn't believe he was so bold. Friendship with this Jess character was looking like a very slim possibility. Until the book thing.

Days later, he'd handed you a copy of "Howl" he'd stolen from your bookshelf, now packed full of margin notes. You'd made an obscure literary reference, and he'd known exactly where it came from, because he was part of that same wonderful world that you spent so much time in. So we did have something in common, you realized – a shared passion for books. You'd read "Howl," growing accustomed to his thought-provoking comments. It was somehow comforting to have them there, like a friend was reading the book along with you.

As your junior year went on, Jess was always there to antagonize you, make trouble for the town, and debate about books and their authors. He stole a gnome, made a fake chalk outline in front of Taylor's store, melted a snowman, bought your basket, and you had a feeling that everything he did was to make you smile. Even stone-cold Paris seemed to fall a little under Jess' charm. He caught your attention, piqued your interest. But you still loved Dean… right? There was no way you would just ditch such a stable relationship in favor of the town pariah. It wasn't your style.

But by summer, you no longer had any choice. After he'd left Stars Hollow, something was missing from your life. The sound of his voice alone had been enough to draw you all the way to New York, causing you to skip school (so not a Rory thing to do) and your mother's graduation ceremony in the process. You didn't like how you were acting; he was bringing out a whole new side of you that you'd rather have kept hidden. And when he came back… just because he wanted to… you couldn't hold it back anymore. You'd lunged towards him and kissed him passionately. It was nothing like kissing Dean; it made you feel reckless, ecstatic, alive. It felt right.

Oh God, you'd thought, breaking apart and realized what you'd done. You'd run, because you were afraid. Just like you'd been to open up and tell Dean you'd loved him, you were afraid to give your heart to someone so rebellious and unreliable. And you were afraid of breaking Dean's heart; he didn't deserve that kind of treatment. What were you going to do? You fled to Washington. You tried to forget. But when you came back to town, the jealousy that bubbled up when you saw him kissing that undeserving slut made you realize that you had fallen for him and that it was not going to go away. You tried to make things work with Dean as long as you could, but on that wretched night, things just fell apart.

And all of the turbulence made you realize the truth. Love is not always sweet or patient or kind, as you'd always heard in the movies. This time, love was harsh. It was pushy and overbearing, nosing its way into your life without a second thought. It didn't cause light, fluttery feelings; it hit your heart like a ton of bricks. And you couldn't get it to go away. It made you do wild, irrational things, like kissing Jess, or cutting school, or all of the other crappy things you did to Dean. Before, love had warmed you, making you feel all happy and fuzzy. This time, it was rough and fierce. But you realized that this was what made love worth experiencing. You felt passion. You felt like you would do anything if it meant being with Jess, and it scared the shit out of you, but the way you felt when you were with him was so exhilarating that you wouldn't give it up for anything.

Your relationship was rocky. Sure, there were good days, lots of them, and you loved them. But sometimes you really felt like shit. There were fights, and there was tension, with both your mother and Dean. But you realized that during the good days, you'd never felt so amazing in your life. You weren't quite sweet little Rory anymore, but you liked it. And there was this one time, when you'd kissed Jess, and you saw things. You molded against his body, and a vision had flashed through your mind… you were pressing against him, but there weren't clothes in the way… and he was… God, you'd wanted that. But he didn't deliver. He left town before there was even a chance. You didn't have time to think about it then, because you were busy writing a valedictorian speech and packing for Europe. And because you didn't deal with it, it lingered. You said you were over him, but when he came back again, you knew you weren't.

It had taken you so long to say the words to someone. But there he stood before you, saying them. He didn't break eye contact. He just calmly said, "I love you," and you knew it pained him a little to get the words out. But he said them anyway, and you knew that he meant them. The past couple of years flashed through your mind and you knew that, if you were to say those same words, you'd mean them too. But you weren't sure you were ready for all that those words implied. So you let him walk away.

And then he showed up again, at your dorm. You couldn't deal with it all again, and when he showed up with this ridiculous proposal, it was so easy to say no. If he'd said he wanted to be with you wherever you wanted, if he'd kissed you, it would have so much been harder. But as it was, you let him go again, you told him no. It hurt more than anything to see him go. And then you'd slept with Dean, because he'd seemed reliable. You remembered the kiss from Jess that had turned your world upside-down, and how it was supposed to be him. Dean was easier, though. You didn't have to think. He didn't ask you to come away, he just kissed you, and it was too hard to say no. Dean shielded you from pain. When you tried to make a relationship work, though, you found that recreating the past was impossible, particularly in light of what happened between you. Things never be the same again.

Jess never stopped coming back. But this year, when you'd seen him, you'd been delighted. He told you that he wrote a book and that he'd turned his life around. You weren't in school anymore. You remembered once telling him, "You can do more," when he was having trouble in school, and it was funny how the tables had turned. Logan had been an ass, and he'd left… but how happy you'd been to see him.

Now, here it was. Your chance. You'd broken it off with unfaithful Logan, and you were here in Jess' store, flipping through his book. It amazes you everytime you read it, and when he comes to you, you tell him so. You also tell him that you'd fixed everything. You're back at Yale. You're whole again.

Being so close to Jess, it does something to you. It makes the feelings that had hit you like a ton of bricks four years earlier come rushing back. He kisses you, and you kiss him back. It's been too long since you've felt Jess' lips on yours, and it's positively intoxicating. You breathe in and you smell Jess. God, he smells so good. And he looks better than ever. You don't ask yourself if you want this, because you know you always have. But you can't until you tell him. You've never said the words straight to him before, but he has to know that you mean it.

Your mouths are still locked together. You wrap your arms around each other and you're kissing deeply, sweetly. "Jess," you mumble tentatively, pulling away ever so slightly. Jess looks at you questioningly. Oh no. Can you get the words out? With him, it just means so much that the words become heavy. But he needs to know.

"I love you," you say. Something inside you gives a little jolt.

With a knowing smile, he says, "I still love you. Always have." You look deep into eyes, then at his crooked smile, and you're happy that finally, things can be as they should. There will be physical distance, but there won't be another guy between you, and Jess won't hold you at arms length this time. He's right here.

The store is empty, and you're a little nervous in anticipation of what's about to happen, because you know it will mean so much. He's the third; he was supposed to be the first, but somehow it doesn't matter anymore. You can't change the past, but Jess is here now and he loves you and… you can't think anymore. You can't keep your hands off of him. He's not like Dean or Logan. He's gentle and rough and loving and passionate. As things go further, you can't believe you've waited all of these years for something so mind-blowing. It's Jess. It's always been Jess.


End file.
